Keeping Your Privates Private

Recently my four-year-old daughter has become interested in genitalia. Not just her own, but other childrens’. While I’m not a prude, I do want to make sure I send her the right message. The one I never received.

I always taught my children the anatomically correct names for their body parts. My girls know they have a vagina and my boys, a penis.

While some criticize my choice, because my kids have, on occasion, yelled about a penis or vagina, I think it has been a smart one. I have never believed in giving silly and cute names to genitals. Experts are encouraging parents to teach their children that real names are best.

The other day my daughter thought it would be interesting to touch her two-year-old brother’s penis. I did my best to distract her and told her, “that is his private area. We don’t touch other people’s private places.” Whew, done. Awkward and strange, but handled well. I patted myself on the back and moved on. But, she hadn’t. “Okay, but I can touch my vagina.” Whooza, here we go.

I, as the mother to four children had somehow dodged this bullet with my first two, but obviously my time had come. Again, I do not want to shame my children or make them feel like their bodies are bad or dirty. I realize I am about to give advice that can shape her for the rest of her life. No pressure.

I refer to parenting books because I’m no expert. I want to foster positive body feelings while downplaying my own discomfort. Is that possible? And now that I’m here, why am I so uncomfortable? The books and websites say it is fine and even healthy for children to explore their own bodies. The lesson we as parents should pass along is about privacy. Our kids should understand that while it is natural to be interested in their own privates, they should explore them in private.

I begin to sweat as I hear my daughter mention how touching her own privates is fine, because they’re hers. I smile, she is smart and she is right. Why if she is so unashamed, should I be feeling so self-conscious?

I sit her down and remember back to the times I’ve had to talk to my older children about babies, after all they’d seen me have several. I wanted to be honest, but not overwhelm them with more information than they needed. Again, a fine line. I told them that moms and dads would give each other special hugs because they loved each other.

My older daughter (also four at the time) responded, “Can we give you a special hug?”

I thought quickly, “You can hug me like you always do, but not a special hug that makes a baby. Those are only for moms and dads.”

Done. They seemed content and I hadn’t lied or made something amazing sound shameful. Many friends have told me they’ve used the ‘special hug,’ with their own children.

But, the hug seems so much different than my four-year-old’s curiosity about her own body. I know even as I tell people about my dilemma I make them uncomfortable. I suppose the best thing I can do is to reiterate what I’ve already said.

I will not shame my child and I will not create negative thoughts about her body. I never felt open and proud of my body; instead I’ve always felt self-conscious and ill at ease in my own skin.

Here is one of my first steps in instilling confidence in my little girl. I want her to feel proud and comfortable. I want her to own the body she will wear for the rest of her life. I reassure her again that it is, in fact, her body and exploring it is okay, but I remind her that we don’t touch other people’s privates or let them touch ours. She smiles and walks away, having moved on already. She’s ready to go outside and swing in the sun.